A darkness more familiar in thy sleep

Today, I believe I felt the hand of depression grip hold of me. I woke up this morning, feeling tired and unmotivated. There was a sense of heaviness in my heart, and my mind was constantly sifting through reasons after reasons to understand why as I stared blankly at the ceiling. The harsh morning light was punishing while the ubiquitous sounds around were mocking me.

I am still looking for a job and graduating from University without my foot already in the door worries me. No. It terrifies me. From that thought, I quickly slipped into the realisation that I could not picture the end of my life. I couldn’t picture a happy family. I couldn’t picture a life filled with friends. I couldn’t picture a fullfilling job. I couldn’t picture a legacy left behind. My life is meaningless. My life is hopeless. There’s no end, no answer.

I felt lethargic. While I forced myself to do the tasks I’ve set myself, tasks I thought were bringing sense and fulfillment, there were questions behind my mind that were lingering, nudging. Sometimes they scream. These questions were hammering me like a merciless interrogator. With every answer I give, a new question arises. It was mentally and emotionally draining. Every now and then I had to hold and lean onto a table or something, my head bowed as I fight with every breath and willpower the urge to break the face that was looking back at me in the mirror.

I’m still not sure if this can be called ‘depression’ as the spell was surprisingly easily broken. My sister woke me up from the slumber I threw myself into to escape from the realities of being tired awake. She woke me up because a friend of mine from our local parish youth ministry wanted to invite me to watch a movie together tonight. My heart lept. She told me he will contact me. I didn’t continue with the tasks I’ve set myself, but instead went outside to lift some weights. They say exercise helps fight depression. So I did. And waited.

He didn’t contact me. But that’s okay. Because while I was waiting for his call or text message, while in a temporary state of hope which gave me enough strength to do things, I found a gentle reminder of the meaning of life as I was browsing through my photo albums on Facebook. I saw happy people. And amongst them, I saw me. Also quite happy. It was very easy for me to believe that no one needed me. The thought of rejection and worthlessness invades my mind on a daily basis. But I needed them. I needed them for me to be happy. That if I give myself into depression, into the darkness that blinds and robs me the ability to see the faintest light, I have lost them. And as a result, forever lost myself.

So, here I lay, on the same bed that I felt crushed into by the heaviness I felt this morning. I am thankful that it has lifted. But I know there are people out there who wakes up and would rather return to a darkness that is more familiar in their sleep. I pray that they will wake up and see a splinter of light from others. I also pray that it will not tighten its hold on me in the future.

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